


Not Broken

by orphan_account



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Asexual Character, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-08
Updated: 2015-09-08
Packaged: 2018-04-19 19:43:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4758596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil is asexual, and he finds someone who understands.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Broken

Phil was 14 when he first noticed there was something different about him. To him, it seemed like overnight his friends went from having Buffy the Vampire Slayer marathons together to having porn marathons alone in their rooms. Phil didn't understand why all of his friends were suddenly obsessed with sex like it was the most important thing in the world, but he did understand that he was literally the only one who was different.

When he was 15, he thought he should try masturbating. Maybe if he gave it a go, he figured, he would be able to finally understand what all the fuss was about. He wasn't sure what it was that he was supposed to be thinking about, and looking at porn kinda grossed him out, so he just didn't think of anything; he let his mind go blank and moved his hands in ways that felt pleasant until he eventually finished.

It was nice, he would admit, but it wasn't nearly as nice as everyone was making it out to be. He tried a few more times after that in case he wasn't doing it right, but eventually he just gave up. It was kinda good, but afterwards he was left with a feeling of disgust that made the whole experience far from worth repeating.

When he was 18, he finally told his friend Kaitlin about it. She told him that it was probably because he was gay, so he should try thinking about guys while he was getting off. Being the extremely helpful person she was, she even went out and bought him an extensive amount of gay porn dvd's. He gave it a shot, but the results were the same as the first time. She told him he must just be a late bloomer is all. He stopped worrying as much after that and decided that he would just wait until the feelings that everyone else seemed to have finally came to him too.

By the time he was 21, he started thinking that maybe it was just because he was single. So when a pretty girl named Sarah asked him out on a date at Starbucks, he jumped at the chance. She was so pretty and funny and sweet, he knew that she could change him.

But of course, things didn't go as well as he had hoped. After three months of dating, Phil could barely force himself to second base with her. Sarah, on the other hand, had no problems pushing the boundaries of what Phil was willing to do. After having him awkwardly remove her hand from his crotch for the third time one evening whilst they were making out on the couch, she finally snapped at him.

"What's wrong, Phil? It's like you never want to do anything. Do you think i'm ugly or something? Is that why you won't fuck me?"

"No," he replied hastily, "I'm just...waiting. I don't want to go too fast."

She scoffed, "We've been dating for three whole months Phil! If you don't want to be with me then just say so."

"It's not that," He said quickly, "I love you. i really do, it's just...let me try again."

She raised an eyebrow at that, but leaned in to kiss him again anyways. He did his best to push down the sickening feeling he felt move through him as she ran her hands all over his body. He did his best to mimic what she was doing, but his lack of experience mixed with the intense desire to be doing anything but what they were doing at the moment probably wasn't making the whole thing too much fun for Sarah either.

But she didn't say anything and things kept moving further and further until their clothes were off of their bodies where they belonged and instead lying on the floor next to the couch. Skin was touching skin and he pushed himself into her and it was far too long before everything was finally over. She pulled him close to her so they could cuddle but all he really wanted was to take a shower and wash the disgusting feeling that was blanketing him off down the drain.

They stayed together for three more weeks before he broke it off. He was in love with her, and it hurt so much to let her go, but he couldn't keep doing it. All of the touches make his skin crawl and she deserved someone that actually enjoyed what she was giving. Someone who wasn't broken like he was.

Phil was 22 when he fell in love again, but this time it as with a brown eyed boy who lived hours away from him. He told himself that he couldn't possible fall in love again; Dan was probably the single most perfect human being in the entire universe and there was no way he was going to let himself hurt him in the same way that he hurt Sarah.

This plan derailed, however, when Dan told him that he was helplessly in love with him over Skype one night. The fear of rejection that he saw cover the other boy's face was too much to handle, and Phil couldn't stop himself from blurting out the truth.

"I love you too," Phil said faster than he could stop himself, "It's just..."

"I get it," Dan said, sounding small, "You love me, you're just not  _in_ love with me. I understand. Really, it's fine."

"No, I'm in love with you too. it's just, my last break up was pretty messy. I don't want that to happen with you too."

Dan's smile came back, and Phil couldn't help but grin at the sight of that cute little dimple on his face.

"I think it's worth a shot," Dan said, looking really hopeful.

"I don't know. I don't want to mess things up again."

"There's no way you could do that," Dan insisted, "Unless you like, decided to brutally murder my entire family of something."

Phil laughed at that. "Are you sure about this?"

"Absolutely."

"Well then," Phil said with a bubbling happiness growing in his chest, "Let's give this a shot."

Everything was perfect for the first few months; the limitations of only being able to see each other through the internet and cell phones took away the possibility of messing up any sort of physical intimacy. But Phil knew this couldn't last forever, and come October Dan was on his way to come stay the weekend with him. Despite the overwhelming excitement Phil was feeling from finally getting to meet his boyfriend in person for the first time, he was terrified of what was gong to happen while he was there.

As soon as he spots Dan at the train station he pulls him into a bone-crushing hug that the other boy returns with equal enthusiasm. When they finally separated from each other, Phil proceeded to drag the other boy all over the city of Manchester, mostly because he wanted to show him everything and partially because he wanted to wear him out so that he would be too tired to do anything when they got back home.

Far too soon for either of their liking's, the sun began to set in the sky and the pair made their way back to Phil's house. When they walked through the door, Dan yawned dramatically and flopped down onto the couch in the living room.

"Tired?" Phil asked, smiling at his far too adorable boyfriend.

"Just a bit. Could we watch a movie?"

"Of course," Phil said, "You pick out a movie from that stack over there and i'll make us some popcorn."

After making their snack, Phil plopped down on the couch next to Dan who immediately snuggled up into his side. The watched the movie until Dan began quietly snoring next to him, and Phil gently shook him awake so that he could show him to the guest bedroom.

Before getting into bed, Dan gave Phil a quick kiss followed by a rather giddy "Goodnight." Phil blushed and said goodnight in return before heading off to his own room across the hall. He sat there staring at the ceiling with a smile plastered on his face until he eventually drifted off to sleep.

The next morning the two boy slept in until lunch time. Phil decided to microwave an entire bag of pizza rolls for the two of them, and the pair happily devoured them while watching some less than entertaining television in the living room. When they finished devouring the pizza rolls, Dan snuggled up into Phil's side and the older boy wrapped an arm around his shoulders. It was sweet and innocent and Phil almost forgot about the worry he'd been dealing with for the past few months.

Then sometime during the middle of a movie about a girl who turns bullies into jellyfish, Phil found himself kissing the brown eyed boy next to him. Dan's lips were so soft and they practically made his mind short circuit in the best way when they were pressed against his own. Kissing was one of the few things that Phil actually enjoyed in his last relationship, and doing it with Dan was a million times better.

Gradually the kiss deepened, and Dan's tongue was exploring his mouth. It wasn't bad at all, but Phil's mind began racing. He enjoyed making out, but anything beyond that was outside of his comfort zone.

 _You can do this_ he thought to himself  _This is Dan. You can't ruin this like you did with Sarah. Just push through it. Besides, he's eighteen so it probably won't last that long anyways. And he's not really doing much; maybe he doesn't want to go there yet. Maybe we can just keep doing this-_

His thoughts were cut short when Dan's hand that had been roaming over his chest underneath his shirt suddenly slipped down to the waistband of his pajama bottoms. Despite his intentions to push through the more uncomfortable levels of physical intimacy, he froze at the contact.

"Are you okay?" Dan said, pulling back.

"What? yeah, i'm fine," Phil stuttered out.

Dan didn't look very convinced by his statement, but Phil quickly rejoined their lips before he could question further.

 _You can do this_ he said to himself as Dan continued with his earlier activities. His hand gently began rubbing Phil through his pants before Phil pulled himself away.

"I'm sorry," he said when their mouths disconnected, "I can't."

"What do you mean?" Dan asked, confused.

"I'm ruining everything again," Phil said, drawing his knees up to his chest and resting his head between them, "I thought i could do it but i can't. I'm so sorry."

"Phil, what are you talking about? What's wrong? I don't understand."

"Me," Phil said, trying to sound like he wasn't about to cry, "I'm wrong. I'm so sorry Dan, I just can't."

"There's nothing wrong about you," Dan said, rubbing soothing circles on his back, "And what can't you do? tell me what's wrong."

Phil bit his lip. He didn't want to say it out loud, but at this point Dan was going to leave him either way, so he might as well tell him the truth,

"I don't like sex."

"What?" Dan asked after a beat of silence.

"I don't like sex," Phil repeated, "Or anything below the waist really. I never really wanted it, and I've tried to just do it anyways but i can't. I managed to push through once with Sarah but everything just felt so wrong and i couldn't do it again. I can't do it again. I'm so sorry Dan."

"It's okay, Phil," Dan said, still rubbing his back, "Don't be sorry. If i had known you were asexual i wouldn't have pushed you so far. It's okay if you don't want to have sex. It's really not that important to me, so don't be so upset, okay?"

"If you had known i was what?" Phil asked, looking up at his boyfriend.

"Asexual."

"What's that?" Phil asked, having only heard the term in biology class when they were learning about plants.

"It's a sexuality like bisexual and homosexual and all the others. It just means that you don't feel sexually attracted to anyone."

"So, they have a word for this?"

"Of course they do," Dan said, pulling him into a loose hug, "There are lots of people out there like you."

Phil wrapped his arms around his boyfriend, "I always thought it was just me. I love you though, you know that, right?"

"Of course i do, I love you too, Phil."

Phil was 22 when he learned that he wasn't broken.

**Author's Note:**

> I want to point out that every asexual is different and everyone has different levels of sex aversion/repulsion. I based Phil's of of myself for this story.


End file.
